spection for me this holiday... Been awhile since serious writing time was plunked down in ESR, mainly due to time constraints.
Probably I shouldn't be sleeping with the news sound on in the BG. Maybe it influenced the subject matter... Another dream that I died happened just before I awoke Xmas Eve day.
Every time I have one of these episodes in my subconscious, I become aware that I'm about to involuntarily bite it. There always comes a moment of feeling surrender n helplessness.
I think that's the worst part of these dream experiences, n perhaps of actual, unexpected death psychology.
Then after I awake, I feel in mourning for myself, as tho a loved one has just died. This intense dream thing has been happening to me at odd times all thoughout my life.
Dream dictionaries claim they may herald a rebirth of some kind... Myself, I'm not sure what they mean. But they always remind me I don't get to pick when I'll have to go.
This particular dream had me in an apartment with several other folks which was almost clear of furniture n newly carpeted. There was talk heard from the next room that tornadoes were nearby, n we should evacuate. We looked to the left out the window, n could see a large tornado bearing down on us, n turned to exit- but sudden, heavy gravity of air pressure froze us where we were, unable to move, being pushed down.
I saw the carpeted floor quickly rush up in my vision, the moment of knowing I was now surrendering my life where I'd stood a moment before thinking I'd get time to move to a safer spot.
On Sunday. I'd woke up n for the first time on the WB channel, watched Disney's animated A Christmas Carol with a Jim Carey like Scrooge. It must be an old film now to be on network TV. As I proceeded to get ready for work, it got me thinking some deep thoughts about my life.
Like the difference between Christmas Past n Present for me, n what I want to see in my Christmas future.
The Christmas Eve Parties my Mother threw for us each year were huge in comparison to what I get to do now. At some point I'd like a place where everyone can stay over n have a pile of gifts, plus pay for take-out Chinese food dinner for 20 also- but it seems unlikely to ever happen.
That Scrooge movie also had me assessing my life in terms of what folks might say about me in event of my death, if it were to happen at this point.
I'm not pleased about my answers, n until I get to do more of what I consider to fulfill my creative mission in life, I won't be.
What morbid stuff to be preoccupied with for Christmas...
Then there's my opinion-
ated, societal observation of what's generally wrong with commercialized Christmas: This holiday has become a day of teaching guiltless, self-indulgence to our children, which must then be unlearned!
For Xmas Day I got alot of rest n quiet, inbetween some house puttering, eating bites of chocolate all day, making lasagna, n a chocolate cream, banana, n mousse pie I'm about to sample with whipped cream on top. I feel a ton heavier in these two days of self-indulgence tasting! Luckily work will kick my butt in shape again tomorrow.
I'm so lucky- must've been psychic in my shopping this year- Altho I go near the Target store close to work alot, I haven't shopped there since last winter- Whew! So many folks are having a prob with stolen card info from Target this holiday. At least I don't have to deal with that, I've enough on my mind already...
"Be Merry" is what I wrote in the candy pile paper wrapper I left out at work for everyone. I had trouble following my own advice tho!