Bluff

...
...
Here's the view to the right of the last pic taken from the same spot up on the Bluff.
.
I've not been amused lately, n other folks are constantly getting on my case about it.
Just because they want me to smile, doesn't mean I will instantly feel like it. Especially in cases where I've been very stressed out n aggrivated, as I was the last workshift.
.
Were I getting paid to pretend (as an actor), I'd give it some effort. Of course, I'd expect decent compensation from that job. I've worked in serving the general public, where even if some one died, you had to keep smiling.
.
I don't want to work in that type of situation, so I'm not. But the people are still on my unsmiley face, not realizing it's just making me more aggrivated, n more unhappy! They have no clue how depressed I've been.
.
When I'm angry or upset, I just try not to talk at all, so I don't unload my troubles on unsuspecting people who have no clue how tough my life is. I'm much better off if I just don't get started, because I get intensely angry n depressed when I dwell on my situation. I'd rather not discuss it at all- I am really good at compulsively moving to get the work I'm focusing on done instead of talking tho-
.
Lately, with all the getting constantly pushed to bluff a happy smile when I'm truelly miserable, I've been applying much effort not to chew people's heads off!
Granted, the folks mean well, but it's grating me the wrong way.
.
I'm sick of hearing I need to lighten up. These folks have no clue what I deal with.
.
This time every year I get this way. My indoor allergies peak, anniversaries connected to passed on loved ones add on top of Seasonal Affective Disorder (lack of sunshine), pile onto that an overwhelming stack of bills I can't keep up with, n also I'm trying to get tax forms completed on time... I'm too fried to push all that (plus more stuff, like pain) aside to act how I don't feel, just because some one else thinks I should.
.
If only they could tell a joke, be sarcastic, or do something silly to react too instead of ordering me to fake "happy-"
.
Really, it wouldn't be difficult to be bonafide in a good mood. All it would take is having enough sleep, money, food, heat, good health, n time to do all my art projects n play music, too! Hitting the jackpot in the lottery could do most of the job instantly. (I believe there are many ways to hit the lottery).
.
I don't think that's too much to ask for or to hope for. I won't listen to folks who tell me I shouldn't hope for what I want in this lifetime, or that it won't happen because of the slim odds.
.
I believe if you think that way, you'll never attain what you do want. Even just dreaming about what I could do once I attain the means to get crackin, gets me into a brighter direction.
.
I've been watching the LOR trilogy yet again, to unwind before falling asleep. Besides my fav: "Frodo wouldn't have gotten very far without Sam" quote (remembered fondly from a friend in my teenage years), I also love when Gandelf explains to Pippen before the final battle, "There never was much of a hope, only a fool's hope," for Frodo n Sam to complete the Mount Doom quest.
.
The reason the story makes you feel so good, is that the characters all overcome overwhelming odds- In fact, they get so used to fighting in that underdog situation, that becomes a mute fact, because they are determined to win, or else die trying.
.
I've been fighting my independence battle quite awhile now, n it's always a struggle to do it all, pay it all, n not give up all I've been working to keep. Because I want to stay here, there's a price I pay for being in a seasonal economy.
.
I hope to soon find a way to get out of this dark season in my life, n move ahead to get some real work accomplished with my talents. Until then, I'll always feel the strain of not doing what will make me happy.
It would be nice not to have to bluff at all... but to have the needed hand of cards to play n win.